As I sit here trying to teach myself sign language, entertain a 4 month old, do research for my two other blogs, find addresses for my Christmas cards and work around the joiner and plumber coming in out of our house trying to fix the ceiling. I realise that even being a woman whose biologically supposed to be able to multi-task and as proud of myself as I am for doing so, I can't quite help but feel stressed out and that I really can't manage this many things at once!
Yesterday I read an article in Marie Claire, a magazine I don't usually buy as not too long ago I read a majority of articles I found snobby and judgemental. I'm all for the feminist but things can be taken too far, bashing on about how the woman wants to work higher up in the food chain, how she is just as good as a man, and wants to be treated equally, and then going on, moaning about how there aren't any gentleman any more, no one's opening doors for them, buying the dinner, treating them like Goddesses. Well, why would they? You're fully capable of doing it yourself, and after all, you want to be treated equally remember!
Yesterday I read an article in Marie Claire, a magazine I don't usually buy as not too long ago I read a majority of articles I found snobby and judgemental. I'm all for the feminist but things can be taken too far, bashing on about how the woman wants to work higher up in the food chain, how she is just as good as a man, and wants to be treated equally, and then going on, moaning about how there aren't any gentleman any more, no one's opening doors for them, buying the dinner, treating them like Goddesses. Well, why would they? You're fully capable of doing it yourself, and after all, you want to be treated equally remember!
Enough about that, back to the newest article I read. It was about a woman who wasn't sure whether she wanted children or not and was feeling pressured by society always beating on at her about her age, and her purpose in life, "being a woman it's your job, what you were made for" etc... So she asked four women for their opinions. The first woman was one who thought she never wanted kids but after an unexpected pregnancy she absolutely loves motherhood. The second, happy and child-free. The third, always wanted to be a mother but after becoming one doesn't want any more kids, and the fourth, waited too long before having children and now regrets it. After reading each one of their stories the author of the article, the woman who wasn't sure whether or not she wanted children, is asked to state her conclusion. Her response was true and I think many women will relate more than they know.
She realized by the end of her research that it wasn't that she didn't want to have kids, it was that she was afraid to have them. Afraid that she would fail at the one job she was "meant" to do. You see, so many of us expect things from one another, even people we don't even know. It's a obvious fact that we all judge, a normal observational skill that any old Dick & Harry has and if you just said to yourself "I don't judge!" okay, when you went to the supermarket the other day and you had the choice of two brands of toilet paper that were on sale, which one did you go for? And how did you choose? You judged the outside of the packets and compared texture, amount for price and the quality of the tissue. That my friend, is judging! Without this ability we wouldn't make any decisions in our lives, or we'd make very bad ones! You wouldn't walk up to a man who smelled of booze, mumbling about nonsense and had a knife in his pocket would you? No! You've made a judgement that this man is dangerous! So when it comes to parenting, or even how each of us live our lives it's no surprise that we are constantly looking over our shoulder waiting for the comments about how we're doing it wrong, why this way is better, and what you SHOULD be doing!
It's understandable that so many of us feel like we should focus on what others are doing rather than face the reality that we too are being judged. It's a viscous never-ending circle!
Before I had my son, I had just figured out exactly who I was. I was content in myself, knew where I was going, what I wanted to be doing and I finally had that confidence I once had when I was four and knew no one could tell me who I was and what I could and couldn't do. I had been told not too long ago that I would never be able to have children due to a fibroid bursting in my ovarie causing the ovarie to look like World War 3 had broken out in my uterus rendering me unable to produce a proper egg and if I did my body would abort it. This also wasn't helped by the Endometriosis. I had become content with the fact that I probably wouldn't have children and I was with someone who was willing to live with that fact. Obviously, being the woman that I am if someone tells me something is impossible, I have to prove them wrong, but I was just as shocked as everyone else when those 2 blue lines showed up on that little white stick. Unexpectedly a reaction fell over me that I didn't realize I would have, I was overjoyed, something I thought I didn't really want and was okay with not having turned out to be something I really needed! So when a sonogram threatened taking that away from me I couldn't stand the thought of suddenly NOT being a mother! I didn't know whether or not I'd get a second chance, I was scared this was my only chance and I hadn't even started yet! All these things I didn't realize I wanted could be taken away from me!
Well obviously everything turned out okay, as after 20 minutes and a lot of drama from all angles they managed to find his heartbeat, the little bugger was hiding and playing freeze and I now have a healthy 4 month old boy, who wont stop growing no matter how hard I try!
I am the eldest of four, ever since my brother was born, the second oldest, my mother said I was a mini mum, I fed all three of my siblings, not by breast of course, I helped change them, I pushed them around, I carried them everywhere, my mother said they were my real life dolls. I remember doing a lot of this, and to this day I still treat my two younger sisters more like my daughters than anything, this I thought was because secretly I knew I would never have children, so instead they were given to me so I still got to experience that motherly feeling. So when I fell pregnant and finally got over the shock, I thought that I was lucky as I had had more practice than most mothers ever get before having children. I found comfort in this and this gave me confidence as well! It wasn't until my bump started showing and people automatically were allowed to voice an opinion on everything in my life did this comfort and confidence suddenly disappear.
"Oh you're not going to breast feed are you!? No don't do that!" Says a women covering her breast in metaphorical pain. She is the mother of three and gave up breastfeeding after her first. When I responded her comment with how I'll try but I'm okay if it doesn't work, she laughs "You're so stupid, don't even bother, you wont be able to do it, it hurts too much!" my other friend rolls her eyes, she's used to comments like this from her, I smile ignoring anti-breast mummy as she rambles on. Before I would have challenged her opinionated social behaviour and made her see that it's my bloody choice and you can take yours and shove it! But I was tired and warn down by everyone telling me what was going to happen, and what I shouldn't and should do, or how what I'd already chosen was wrong, it was wearing me thin, even though I was the size of a bus.
After awhile hormones from pregnancy had let all these people get to me, more so when my father pulled me aside and told me he was worried that I wasn't fit enough for labour. I had lost myself, I felt like I couldn't cope and wasn't strong enough to be a mother any more, so much was expected of me that I couldn't possibly accomplish! How was I going to be the ultimate mother that everyone thought I should be? Well, I wasn't. Yes, you heard me, I was not going to be the "Ultimate Mother". Oh you thought I meant I'd decided not to be a mother at all,! No, I was still going to be a mother just not the mother everyone wanted me to be. After all, you can't please everyone! It was a conversation with MY mother that helped me regain a little of my strength. After explaining to her how I felt she smiled. She knew exactly what I was talking about. "That, my dear, will never stop. I still get it now. There will always be someone older and wiser or younger and bitchier than you." as right as she was, it wasn't enough for me, but again, she knew this too. "I still get talked too like I'm about four years old, and sometime's you forget your place and let them do it but other times you remind them that we are all in the same boat, but most likely with harsher words and maybe a sharp stick." I love my mother, I am thankful for that conversation as it gave me the ability once again to pick and choose when I wasn't going to be talked down to and when I would just let it slide. The problem was that I'd forgotten the bit about it never stopping. Not only does it not stop, it gets worse. Once I had Rohan, people could not only tell me what I was doing wrong but show me what they thought I should doing! Nothing aggravates me more than when someone try's to parent someone elses child! Especially if it's mine! The thing is after awhile you either let it get to you, or you get used to it. Now if you let it get to you, you can get yourself in a lot of trouble, you either fall into a deep depression or you end up chewing everyone's head off. And if you get used to it, you end up letting people walk all over you or you do what my friend does, rolls her eyes and makes a sarcastic remark and moves on. Which is the one I've opted on doing at the moment. But I can't help feeling like I would enjoy and also be a better mother if there wasn't so much pressure to get it right all the time. That the "perfect mother figure" wasn't always being thrown in my face.
I always imagined that when I became an adult I would feel like one, to be honest I've never felt more like a child. And that is the reality. Are any of us really not afraid of being mothers? So much so it prevents us from actually being one's and worse missing out on an opportunity that maybe we might have even been good at and possibly enjoyed! But WHO are we trying to impress? So what if so and so next door thinks you are the worst parent ever, or your mother-in-law etc thinks your parenting skills are ridiculous! At the end of the day if your children are still breathing and seem relatively happy you've done more than a brilliant job! Parenting is hard, it's the scariest and most challenging career choice you will ever make! And if from time-to-time or majority of the time you don't enjoy it, that's fine! It doesn't mean you're a bad parent, if anything it means you're a good one, those parents who are always happy? Has anyone ever asked their Children if they're as happy as their parents? From what I can tell the mothers who aren't happy are that way because they've sacrificed so much of themselves just to make sure their children are! That, my darlings, may never change, but I know one thing, It CAN get better! It just might get a little worse before doing so...
It's understandable that so many of us feel like we should focus on what others are doing rather than face the reality that we too are being judged. It's a viscous never-ending circle!
Before I had my son, I had just figured out exactly who I was. I was content in myself, knew where I was going, what I wanted to be doing and I finally had that confidence I once had when I was four and knew no one could tell me who I was and what I could and couldn't do. I had been told not too long ago that I would never be able to have children due to a fibroid bursting in my ovarie causing the ovarie to look like World War 3 had broken out in my uterus rendering me unable to produce a proper egg and if I did my body would abort it. This also wasn't helped by the Endometriosis. I had become content with the fact that I probably wouldn't have children and I was with someone who was willing to live with that fact. Obviously, being the woman that I am if someone tells me something is impossible, I have to prove them wrong, but I was just as shocked as everyone else when those 2 blue lines showed up on that little white stick. Unexpectedly a reaction fell over me that I didn't realize I would have, I was overjoyed, something I thought I didn't really want and was okay with not having turned out to be something I really needed! So when a sonogram threatened taking that away from me I couldn't stand the thought of suddenly NOT being a mother! I didn't know whether or not I'd get a second chance, I was scared this was my only chance and I hadn't even started yet! All these things I didn't realize I wanted could be taken away from me!
Well obviously everything turned out okay, as after 20 minutes and a lot of drama from all angles they managed to find his heartbeat, the little bugger was hiding and playing freeze and I now have a healthy 4 month old boy, who wont stop growing no matter how hard I try!
I am the eldest of four, ever since my brother was born, the second oldest, my mother said I was a mini mum, I fed all three of my siblings, not by breast of course, I helped change them, I pushed them around, I carried them everywhere, my mother said they were my real life dolls. I remember doing a lot of this, and to this day I still treat my two younger sisters more like my daughters than anything, this I thought was because secretly I knew I would never have children, so instead they were given to me so I still got to experience that motherly feeling. So when I fell pregnant and finally got over the shock, I thought that I was lucky as I had had more practice than most mothers ever get before having children. I found comfort in this and this gave me confidence as well! It wasn't until my bump started showing and people automatically were allowed to voice an opinion on everything in my life did this comfort and confidence suddenly disappear.
"Oh you're not going to breast feed are you!? No don't do that!" Says a women covering her breast in metaphorical pain. She is the mother of three and gave up breastfeeding after her first. When I responded her comment with how I'll try but I'm okay if it doesn't work, she laughs "You're so stupid, don't even bother, you wont be able to do it, it hurts too much!" my other friend rolls her eyes, she's used to comments like this from her, I smile ignoring anti-breast mummy as she rambles on. Before I would have challenged her opinionated social behaviour and made her see that it's my bloody choice and you can take yours and shove it! But I was tired and warn down by everyone telling me what was going to happen, and what I shouldn't and should do, or how what I'd already chosen was wrong, it was wearing me thin, even though I was the size of a bus.
After awhile hormones from pregnancy had let all these people get to me, more so when my father pulled me aside and told me he was worried that I wasn't fit enough for labour. I had lost myself, I felt like I couldn't cope and wasn't strong enough to be a mother any more, so much was expected of me that I couldn't possibly accomplish! How was I going to be the ultimate mother that everyone thought I should be? Well, I wasn't. Yes, you heard me, I was not going to be the "Ultimate Mother". Oh you thought I meant I'd decided not to be a mother at all,! No, I was still going to be a mother just not the mother everyone wanted me to be. After all, you can't please everyone! It was a conversation with MY mother that helped me regain a little of my strength. After explaining to her how I felt she smiled. She knew exactly what I was talking about. "That, my dear, will never stop. I still get it now. There will always be someone older and wiser or younger and bitchier than you." as right as she was, it wasn't enough for me, but again, she knew this too. "I still get talked too like I'm about four years old, and sometime's you forget your place and let them do it but other times you remind them that we are all in the same boat, but most likely with harsher words and maybe a sharp stick." I love my mother, I am thankful for that conversation as it gave me the ability once again to pick and choose when I wasn't going to be talked down to and when I would just let it slide. The problem was that I'd forgotten the bit about it never stopping. Not only does it not stop, it gets worse. Once I had Rohan, people could not only tell me what I was doing wrong but show me what they thought I should doing! Nothing aggravates me more than when someone try's to parent someone elses child! Especially if it's mine! The thing is after awhile you either let it get to you, or you get used to it. Now if you let it get to you, you can get yourself in a lot of trouble, you either fall into a deep depression or you end up chewing everyone's head off. And if you get used to it, you end up letting people walk all over you or you do what my friend does, rolls her eyes and makes a sarcastic remark and moves on. Which is the one I've opted on doing at the moment. But I can't help feeling like I would enjoy and also be a better mother if there wasn't so much pressure to get it right all the time. That the "perfect mother figure" wasn't always being thrown in my face.
I always imagined that when I became an adult I would feel like one, to be honest I've never felt more like a child. And that is the reality. Are any of us really not afraid of being mothers? So much so it prevents us from actually being one's and worse missing out on an opportunity that maybe we might have even been good at and possibly enjoyed! But WHO are we trying to impress? So what if so and so next door thinks you are the worst parent ever, or your mother-in-law etc thinks your parenting skills are ridiculous! At the end of the day if your children are still breathing and seem relatively happy you've done more than a brilliant job! Parenting is hard, it's the scariest and most challenging career choice you will ever make! And if from time-to-time or majority of the time you don't enjoy it, that's fine! It doesn't mean you're a bad parent, if anything it means you're a good one, those parents who are always happy? Has anyone ever asked their Children if they're as happy as their parents? From what I can tell the mothers who aren't happy are that way because they've sacrificed so much of themselves just to make sure their children are! That, my darlings, may never change, but I know one thing, It CAN get better! It just might get a little worse before doing so...
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