Reasons why not to have a baby/again/anytime soon...
It's a dodgy subject to talk about as everyone and I mean EVERYONE has an opinion on it, which is fine but take it from a mum of one, that phrase "When are you having another one?" gets annoying real quick!
Recently Ralph and I were in our local Outlet Factory with Rohan in his pushchair, we'd gotten to the back of the shop where the "Staff Only" door resides. Browsing the arts and crafts isle* (corner) out came a staff member who stops to look at Rohan. "Wow! He's getting big!" We smiled as this had been the 30th time we had heard this today, which again is fine, you just get tired of repeating the same answer to the same statement. But then she proceeded with and I quote: "'bout time you had another one!" something inside of me died. But why? Why should I cringe at that comment? What's wrong with having another baby really?
That night I was lying in bed and the whole conversation started resounding in my head like a clip from a movie that kept playing over and over again! I started to think of all the reasons why I really didn't want another baby anytime soon. Then worse! Why anyone else shouldn't jump the preggo train either!
Reasons why
Reasons why
1. I like lying on my back/stomach in bed
I know this sounds strange, but after the first trimester of pregnancy you're not supposed to lye on your back as the weight of your bump and all it's contents sits on top of vital organs etc and can cut off oxygen to both you and baby, it's also really bad for your back. But not only that, it's pretty uncomfortable! Even in the first trimester after 2 months I couldn't lye on my back at all as it felt weird, which in return was also uncomfortable and kept me awake. The only way I can get to sleep is if I lye on my back and or stomach, these things you really cannot do while you're pregnant and if you end up having a c-section, you can't lye on your stomach for ages afterward either. Why would I want to be so uncomfortable again so soon?
2. I like fitting in my clothes/I just got back into SOME of my clothes!
Seriously, I ended up using all my dresses as shirts as they were the only thing that fit and looked good over my belly, I also tried for ages (which didn't work) to use my normal trousers and hooked a hair band round the button, through the button whole and round the button again to make them work, this only works so long before you have to buy a new wardrobe. Buying a new wardrobe when you're saving for a baby is inconvenient and also, most of the maternity clothes I bought didn't last long before I had to buy bigger ones, and if you buy cheap, expect to get something very uncomfortable. In the end I wanted to walk round naked as that was the closest thing to comfortable I could get! Don't even get me started on underwear while you're pregnant, that's a whole new post! Why would I go through all that again? I'm still wearing the maternity stuff now!
3. My body is just not ready!
This goes for both people who've had baby's and people who haven't. If you're overweight, then it's a lot harder for your body to cope with the everyday annoyances of pregnancy, I know that sounds horrible but it's true, It also ups the chances of something going wrong during pregnancy & labor. But having said that ANYONE can have complications during pregnancy and labor no matter what their weight. It come's down to the individual person. I had a weird fear throughout my whole pregnancy that I'm a little ashamed to admit, I thought that I would probably die during labor. I didn't voice this opinion to anyone as I thought talking about it may up my fears even more, which isn't good for your unborn child or you. In the end I came to terms with it, I decided that if I did die during labor that it was fine, I've done my duty and my son/daughter would be left with a man I trust my whole life with. Along with family I knew would help him every step of the way. They would never be alone. The thing is though, why did that thought go through my head? Well, pregnancy and labor is a huge stress on your body and the sad thing is sometimes your body can't deal with it. There is still a huge amount of women who die because of complications during labor still today! But most of these woman live in countries that don't have access to good medicine. In the 20th century 40% of pregnant woman died during pregnancy/labor or just after childbirth, In the 1900's maternal mortality rate was 1 in 100 births in countries like the United Kingdom and USA. But by 2008 records plummeted (thankfully) in the US. at least, to 24 per 100,000. But for me someone still has to be that percent and with my health problems and all the complications I'd already had, I thought it was me. My body is still recovering even now and I'm not sure it could cope with another pregnancy, why would I risk it?
I know this sounds strange, but after the first trimester of pregnancy you're not supposed to lye on your back as the weight of your bump and all it's contents sits on top of vital organs etc and can cut off oxygen to both you and baby, it's also really bad for your back. But not only that, it's pretty uncomfortable! Even in the first trimester after 2 months I couldn't lye on my back at all as it felt weird, which in return was also uncomfortable and kept me awake. The only way I can get to sleep is if I lye on my back and or stomach, these things you really cannot do while you're pregnant and if you end up having a c-section, you can't lye on your stomach for ages afterward either. Why would I want to be so uncomfortable again so soon?
2. I like fitting in my clothes/I just got back into SOME of my clothes!
Seriously, I ended up using all my dresses as shirts as they were the only thing that fit and looked good over my belly, I also tried for ages (which didn't work) to use my normal trousers and hooked a hair band round the button, through the button whole and round the button again to make them work, this only works so long before you have to buy a new wardrobe. Buying a new wardrobe when you're saving for a baby is inconvenient and also, most of the maternity clothes I bought didn't last long before I had to buy bigger ones, and if you buy cheap, expect to get something very uncomfortable. In the end I wanted to walk round naked as that was the closest thing to comfortable I could get! Don't even get me started on underwear while you're pregnant, that's a whole new post! Why would I go through all that again? I'm still wearing the maternity stuff now!
3. My body is just not ready!
This goes for both people who've had baby's and people who haven't. If you're overweight, then it's a lot harder for your body to cope with the everyday annoyances of pregnancy, I know that sounds horrible but it's true, It also ups the chances of something going wrong during pregnancy & labor. But having said that ANYONE can have complications during pregnancy and labor no matter what their weight. It come's down to the individual person. I had a weird fear throughout my whole pregnancy that I'm a little ashamed to admit, I thought that I would probably die during labor. I didn't voice this opinion to anyone as I thought talking about it may up my fears even more, which isn't good for your unborn child or you. In the end I came to terms with it, I decided that if I did die during labor that it was fine, I've done my duty and my son/daughter would be left with a man I trust my whole life with. Along with family I knew would help him every step of the way. They would never be alone. The thing is though, why did that thought go through my head? Well, pregnancy and labor is a huge stress on your body and the sad thing is sometimes your body can't deal with it. There is still a huge amount of women who die because of complications during labor still today! But most of these woman live in countries that don't have access to good medicine. In the 20th century 40% of pregnant woman died during pregnancy/labor or just after childbirth, In the 1900's maternal mortality rate was 1 in 100 births in countries like the United Kingdom and USA. But by 2008 records plummeted (thankfully) in the US. at least, to 24 per 100,000. But for me someone still has to be that percent and with my health problems and all the complications I'd already had, I thought it was me. My body is still recovering even now and I'm not sure it could cope with another pregnancy, why would I risk it?
4. I'm just not into kids/I'm focusing on what I already have right now
This is a good reason, well at least I think so? What's the point in having children if you don't want to? So many people I know have accidentally gotten pregnant when they didn't want to, but I will tell you over half of them ended up feeling like they either should have done it sooner, or would do it all again if they had to. But what's left for those who didn't want to or weren't in that place? And do the kids suffer because of the mentality of that situation? I think if you're focusing on your career, dogs, cats, and you like doing things spur of the moment, having extra money to spend on yourself, like your sleep, I could go on and on. Then don't, don't give into that pressure. A baby is not an accessory, and you can't exchange it for a new and better model. You're stuck with it for life whether you like it or not. It's not selfish to think this, you're actually thinking about your non-existent children. Why bring them into this world if I'm not ready for them/yet, it's cruel?
This is a good reason, well at least I think so? What's the point in having children if you don't want to? So many people I know have accidentally gotten pregnant when they didn't want to, but I will tell you over half of them ended up feeling like they either should have done it sooner, or would do it all again if they had to. But what's left for those who didn't want to or weren't in that place? And do the kids suffer because of the mentality of that situation? I think if you're focusing on your career, dogs, cats, and you like doing things spur of the moment, having extra money to spend on yourself, like your sleep, I could go on and on. Then don't, don't give into that pressure. A baby is not an accessory, and you can't exchange it for a new and better model. You're stuck with it for life whether you like it or not. It's not selfish to think this, you're actually thinking about your non-existent children. Why bring them into this world if I'm not ready for them/yet, it's cruel?
5. I don't have the money
Babies aren't cheap, most mums and dad's will tell you this (or you already know because you have one/two/more). Nappies, Formula, Stuff for breastfeeding, food, medicine, etc all cost money. I still don't know how we manage month to month, but we do? A lot of parents feel like this I think, you're either a family that gets the money if they need it or broke. It's as simple as that. But seriously, if you can't even get by alone, it'll be worse and more stressful if you bring a baby into the picture. Again, also unfair on your family. I can't afford another one right now? Why would I put more financial stress on my family?
Babies aren't cheap, most mums and dad's will tell you this (or you already know because you have one/two/more). Nappies, Formula, Stuff for breastfeeding, food, medicine, etc all cost money. I still don't know how we manage month to month, but we do? A lot of parents feel like this I think, you're either a family that gets the money if they need it or broke. It's as simple as that. But seriously, if you can't even get by alone, it'll be worse and more stressful if you bring a baby into the picture. Again, also unfair on your family. I can't afford another one right now? Why would I put more financial stress on my family?
6. I'm *Cough Cough Single....
No offense to any mothers out there who made the decision to have babies by a donor etc. even though they were not married or with a partner. I just don't understand why someone would do that to themselves, unless they had the money to buy help? Not that I ever think my son is an inconvenience, I love him to bits and any time away from each other I miss him, but he's hard work, children are hard work! You can't just have them and pop 'em in daycare, or you shouldn't that's just not cool, plus it's going to effect your child and you! Kids require care, CONSTANT care. Doing this alone, without help at all, is hard. It's stressful and that can also mean you're not at your best because you're being run down. I have a lot of respect for single mothers/parents, something my partner says a lot also. It's hard enough looking after a baby with two people sharing the load let alone one! Whose going to take the night shift after a long day cleaning up poop, vomit, bathing babys, running round the house like a looney, makeing food, somehow getting dressed with a baby in your hand, remembering to feed yourself? Not only do they need care, they want you, they want you to play with them, snuggle with them, kiss them, tell them story's, take them for walks, the list goes on. If you're single or even a stay at home parent while the other works you'll feel guilty when you pick house work over this quality time, I know I do, and if you pick quality time over house work then you feel guilty for never having a clean house or that you live in a pigsty or that someone else has to clean it when you should be? Why would I add another one in to the mix when I don't even have time to look after the first one?
7. My Spouse doesn't want to/I'm scared it might ruin our relationship
I've met so many people who've thought they want kids then have left the family unit because they couldn't handle it. This is sad for all involved and can cause problems for years to come. It's also understandable that even if you both want kids you're slightly afraid it might effect your relationship. I'm not going to lie to you, it will. It's that plain and simple, you really will not know your spouse until you have children, the ugly or the fantastic will come out. Standards will show and patience will wobble, rows will be had. But this is normal, it's normal to fight, it means you're communicating, you will be stressed at times and you will wonder why you're doing this every now and then? But the big question is, "Am I ready?" you will never actually know that completely until you've had a child. I'm not saying do it even if you think you're not ready, no, do not do that. The fact that you've even asked yourself that question though is part of good parenting. You will most likely never put your kids in situations that they should never be in if you've ever asked yourself this type of question. So for future reference it's good. But maybe right now until things are a little more stable put it off. It's alright to wait. And don't ever let that stupid little person who keeps saying "You wont be fertile forever" get to you. A child does not have to be biological to be yours. They may have grown in someone else's stomach but they grew in your heart. Giving birth doesn't make you a mother ask any father. Why would I put even more strain on my relationship right this second? lets let the water settle a bit before we send that boat out.
I've met so many people who've thought they want kids then have left the family unit because they couldn't handle it. This is sad for all involved and can cause problems for years to come. It's also understandable that even if you both want kids you're slightly afraid it might effect your relationship. I'm not going to lie to you, it will. It's that plain and simple, you really will not know your spouse until you have children, the ugly or the fantastic will come out. Standards will show and patience will wobble, rows will be had. But this is normal, it's normal to fight, it means you're communicating, you will be stressed at times and you will wonder why you're doing this every now and then? But the big question is, "Am I ready?" you will never actually know that completely until you've had a child. I'm not saying do it even if you think you're not ready, no, do not do that. The fact that you've even asked yourself that question though is part of good parenting. You will most likely never put your kids in situations that they should never be in if you've ever asked yourself this type of question. So for future reference it's good. But maybe right now until things are a little more stable put it off. It's alright to wait. And don't ever let that stupid little person who keeps saying "You wont be fertile forever" get to you. A child does not have to be biological to be yours. They may have grown in someone else's stomach but they grew in your heart. Giving birth doesn't make you a mother ask any father. Why would I put even more strain on my relationship right this second? lets let the water settle a bit before we send that boat out.
8. I don't have the space
You live in a one bedroom house/flat and aren't relocating anytime soon. Good luck if you've made the decision to have a baby. Baby's may be small but they come with a lot of baggage and I'm not just speaking metaphorically. Expect your kitchen to get taken over by bottles, baby food, baby cleaning tools, baby plates, bowls, spoons, forks, etc. Expect your bedroom to never be clean because you don't have the time to clean it or the energy for that matter, also somehow your baby's clothes are in your room as well as their room (that's if they have one?) along with the odd toy, dummy, vomit or poop stain? Your lounge wont look the same for awhile because you had to rearrange it so the little one can't get to things that may harm him. Along with it being covered in toys and the most evil invention ever LEGO that you bought thinking it would be a great pass time for you both until you stepped on one in the middle of the night when s/he was screaming. Your bathroom will turn into an aquarium for funny shaped sponges, toys and bath accessories that don't match the colour scheme of your bathroom. Forget having a tidy house, that goes out the window on day one and those plans for house decor wont be picked up again until s/he's maybe 8 or in her teens? I like my stuff and I don't have room for that huge pushchair that I'm going to be using day in, day out!
You live in a one bedroom house/flat and aren't relocating anytime soon. Good luck if you've made the decision to have a baby. Baby's may be small but they come with a lot of baggage and I'm not just speaking metaphorically. Expect your kitchen to get taken over by bottles, baby food, baby cleaning tools, baby plates, bowls, spoons, forks, etc. Expect your bedroom to never be clean because you don't have the time to clean it or the energy for that matter, also somehow your baby's clothes are in your room as well as their room (that's if they have one?) along with the odd toy, dummy, vomit or poop stain? Your lounge wont look the same for awhile because you had to rearrange it so the little one can't get to things that may harm him. Along with it being covered in toys and the most evil invention ever LEGO that you bought thinking it would be a great pass time for you both until you stepped on one in the middle of the night when s/he was screaming. Your bathroom will turn into an aquarium for funny shaped sponges, toys and bath accessories that don't match the colour scheme of your bathroom. Forget having a tidy house, that goes out the window on day one and those plans for house decor wont be picked up again until s/he's maybe 8 or in her teens? I like my stuff and I don't have room for that huge pushchair that I'm going to be using day in, day out!
9. I'm an avid collector
I'm laughing so hard right now, sorry, excuse me a second. ..... okay I'm good. Right, all I'm going to ask is. Would you be really mad if anyone let alone a baby opened up that one of a kind original star trek action figure tucked up in it's plastic or glass box? No? Okay? There is your answer.
10. I like having just the one... for now at least.
I think it's perfectly acceptable to think this. There is only one person whose demanding your attention, needing you day and night. You also wont miss any milestones the first one accomplishes because you were busying trying to calm down the screaming baby in the other room. You'll be able to enjoy this one without feeling guilty that you might not be giving them both the attention they deserve. You wont be spending money on twice as many nappies, baby food etc. or figuring out how to balance changing both of them, feeding both of them, bathing both of them, etc. You've just got your sleep routine down and not really in the mood for those all night all day shifts again, me either. Why can't I enjoy this one for a bit before I have to figure out how to split myself in half for each kid?
I'm laughing so hard right now, sorry, excuse me a second. ..... okay I'm good. Right, all I'm going to ask is. Would you be really mad if anyone let alone a baby opened up that one of a kind original star trek action figure tucked up in it's plastic or glass box? No? Okay? There is your answer.
10. I like having just the one... for now at least.
I think it's perfectly acceptable to think this. There is only one person whose demanding your attention, needing you day and night. You also wont miss any milestones the first one accomplishes because you were busying trying to calm down the screaming baby in the other room. You'll be able to enjoy this one without feeling guilty that you might not be giving them both the attention they deserve. You wont be spending money on twice as many nappies, baby food etc. or figuring out how to balance changing both of them, feeding both of them, bathing both of them, etc. You've just got your sleep routine down and not really in the mood for those all night all day shifts again, me either. Why can't I enjoy this one for a bit before I have to figure out how to split myself in half for each kid?
Basically no one can tell you whether or not you should have a baby. That is solely your decision after all it's your life and your body.
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